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(no subject) [Mar. 19th, 2014|06:39 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Mood |discontentdiscontent]

Spring break is coming up soon and I feel like I'm not as stressed out as I am potentially making myself out to be.

I'm primarily stressed that I know that people choose to ignore me when there's a tiny bit of urgency, but that's just me not getting what I want when I want it.

I really wish I owned my own oboe so I could work on crafting a sound that is specific only to me. It actually makes me feel like such a useless fraud because people don't look at me like a serious musician. My father would kill me if I took out a loan, but then he'd also get really upset if I asked him for help; a lose-lose situation that I'd rather not see. But until something along those lines becomes a reality, then I'm stuck in this limbo of being pushed around by whatever life gives me.

I want to say that I admire my flexibility, but I'm just being a lazy coward.

Tristan is also just getting me completely lost. I don't know what I'm doing with him. Being in this relationship limbo has gone on long enough, I think. I've given you about 2 years to figure out what the fuck we are: friends? not friends? lovers? fuck buddies?

It's honestly come to the point where we're probably only nice to each other when we're together/fucking. Other than that, he probably just dislikes the idea of me when we're apart; same for me, as well. It's really sad because I wish I could think of him and be happy and smile, like I used to, but now I just think of how exhausting and difficult he's become with me and how that isn't the person that I actually like/wanted. I'd tell him how I feel about it, but I know he'll just be a teenager about it like he always does.
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(no subject) [Mar. 19th, 2014|01:54 am]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Location |World of Color ]
[Current Mood |weirdweird]
[Current Music |Pushing Daisies soundtrack]

It's been a good four years since I've been on here, hasn't it?
A lot has changed since then, so I'll catch you guys up (aka nobody really since nobody knows i'm here):

I changed my major to oboe, I became single, I got Nick into my life, Sarah and Liz and Nick Chik were my room mates (along with Jessica), I got addicted to tumblr, I still don't like pants, I met Tristan, I fucked a lot of people (like 5 lol), I'm still in school, Veronica came, Skye came, etc.

There's actually a lot to mention about the past four years but just the thing that I wrote makes me seem like such a different person than I used to be.
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(no subject) [May. 7th, 2010|01:38 am]
[Current Mood |giddygiddy]

Last chamber singers concert of the year tomorrow (er-- tonight?). It's going to be depressing because Dr. Quist is leaving after this year to be conducting staff at Westminster, but more power to her; she deserves it, mannn. Hope tomorrow I feel like how I did on this day:

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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2010|01:28 pm]
[Current Mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

So I have no idea why I'm so unmotivated these days. I keep treading the water rather than swimming ashore, y'know? I think it's because Allister isn't around. Usually, when I'm getting sluggish, he kicks my butt back into gear. I don't want to sound crazy dependent on him, but sometimes I need a little push. O_O

grumblegrumble i need a job.

Well, time to get back to cleaning (did I ever start?).
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Writer's Block: Cheating with a side of bacon [Apr. 28th, 2010|12:44 am]
[Current Mood |awakeawake]

To be honest, I think the idea of changing your diet for a new relationship is ridiculous! I would never try to change myself just to get someone to find me more appealing; I'd rather have them take me as I am. Hell -- I had to find a man who understood my love of food.

We eat fatty Ramen.

Happily ever after.

Yeah, be jealous.

Later days!
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And so it goes. [Jul. 31st, 2008|01:08 am]
[Current Mood |restlessrestless]
[Current Music |[[ billy joel - and so it goes ]]]

My whole life I've done and went for things that I wanted to do..and loved. If it wasn't that, then it was to make my parents proud of their only son. It's been a while and I've developed my own way of doing the things I love, keeping my integrity and my dignity along the way to make them proud of what I do and make them proud because the fact that I am proud of who I am and I what I do. Seeing their faces during my performances and shows made me happy and I performed extra-hard just to prove I could do it well. At all of my musical performances over the years, my mother has been the one to attend while my father was resting to earn the money to support this family, but that came to a stop last week.

The last time I saw my mother was when she picked me up with Beth. I don't remember seeing her after that. I don't know where she is or if she's safe, but I hope the best for her. It will be extremely hard for her to live without us, and I don't know what's on her mind. She has serious drug abuse problems and has no job...I get an occasional call from her, but she just says for me to take care of myself.

I remember the times when she was so high that she almost appeared to be dead. She would even get scared for her life and tell me to come in during the middle of the night to check if she was still alive. I always thought that comment was foolish, but that didn't stop me from checking if she was breathing every time she was in that state. It's hard loving a mother who has been this way since I was ten. I don't know where it all went wrong, but it's always hard to tell.

It would be easy to stop loving the mother who wouldn't even get out of bed to see her son on his 13th birthday, but, as you all may know...easy isn't really my thing. The love is unconditional and I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand this and I cry as I type this blog.

I don't know if my mother is coming back, but I know I have to prepare for the worst. Things aren't looking to well on either end.

The ironic thing is next years choir show is military/americana. My father was never at my choir shows ever because of the air force and the dates of the shows.

My mom is probably hours and days away by now.

I hope you're alright, mom. I love you. I'm sorry I was horrible to you. Look at me...I don't remember the last time I told you I loved you..

Billy Joel // And So It Goes

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
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I'm watching project runway! [Jul. 30th, 2008|12:59 pm]
xfiyerotiggular (12:51:01 PM): http://camels.evilsun.org/index.php
dieklarinete (12:53:49 PM): lol
dieklarinete (12:54:05 PM): 46 camels, 9 goats, 9 sheep
xfiyerotiggular (12:54:21 PM): i got 36, 2 goats, 0 sheep  *jessica schuler
dieklarinete (12:54:31 PM): lol
xfiyerotiggular (12:54:38 PM): i don't have a girlfriend, but hey
dieklarinete (12:54:44 PM): lol
dieklarinete (12:54:52 PM): i could sell mine for more
xfiyerotiggular (12:55:04 PM): hmm
xfiyerotiggular (12:55:07 PM): i'll do allister.
dieklarinete (12:55:16 PM): lol
xfiyerotiggular (12:56:34 PM): would allister make great cakes?
dieklarinete (12:57:02 PM): uh... yes
dieklarinete (12:57:17 PM): he's a nazi... and they've got german chocolate
xfiyerotiggular (12:57:33 PM): but..
xfiyerotiggular (12:57:40 PM): there's a "i do all the cooking" option
xfiyerotiggular (12:57:44 PM): i made his lunch a lot
xfiyerotiggular (12:57:47 PM): does that count?
dieklarinete (12:57:53 PM): yes
dieklarinete (12:57:56 PM): you do all the cooking
xfiyerotiggular (12:58:07 PM): 19 camels, 6 goats, and 9 sheep
dieklarinete (12:58:15 PM): lol
dieklarinete (12:58:33 PM): hahahaha... my useless piece of meat is worth more than allister
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=D. [Jul. 29th, 2008|03:24 pm]
[Current Mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[Current Music |[[ Imogen Heap // The Walk ]]]

Last Saturday I went with Jessica and Mallory to the San Leandro Public Library to see Voices in Harmony. They're an all-men a capella chorus. Yum. Barbershop! It was amazing! They did a wonderful show and I was proud to be one of the 5 young audience members =D. They performed songs such as Happy Together, West Side Story medley, Grow Old With You, etc. It was such an amazing experience that, during intermission, I talked to one of the members (the name escapes me) and he said if i stuck around until the end i would get a chance to sing with them and stuff.

So the end came, and I sang. Crazies put me on lead.

Then they asked me to come to rehearsals and join.


Rehearsal is tonight at 7:30.


oh. i also ran a mile with mallory today.

Later Days.
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Lyrics [Jul. 24th, 2008|11:23 am]
[Current Mood |draineddrained]
[Current Music | Mario Spinetti // Man on the Moon]

"We were first to the moon,"
(Moon to Houston we're doomed!)
"Get the president…
On the phone

There's a note signed " The Man"
It appears that his planning was imminent—
We're alone
It reads:

'Venus, I'm so sorry
Oh Venus, I'm so sorry'
It reads:
'Venus, I'm so sorry,

But the sign on the spaceship, it brought me to this
As I step to the edge and I sign with a kiss

It said 'Let our nation rise'
I'm a victim to prose in that…
Send my love to the spoon and cat
It said 'Let our nation rise'
Here's to you, here's to solitaire
Here's to star-fishing in the air


Breaking news, this just in:
Let the ice age begin!
Let it all fall down!
(It all falls down)

"An ingenious plan,"
Said the newspaper man
Break America
To the sun

But between us,
I'm so sorry
Oh between us,
I'm so sorry
Just between us,
I'm so sorry

But the God we confide in,
Salute, and command
Is a cowboy it seems,
With a gun in his hand

"Let our nation rise!"
I'm a victim to prose in that,
Send my love to the spoon and cat
Saying "let our nation rise!"
Here's to you, here's to solitaire,
Here's to star-fishing in the air

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(no subject) [Jul. 23rd, 2008|01:54 am]
[Current Mood |determineddetermined]

So the other day I went along with Beth to the AIDS Walk-A-Thon at Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. I'd say it was a success for having four hours of sleep XD. I was up all night making a song about Wally? It's cute -_-;. I saw a lot of interesting things and met a few interesting people. There was this one lady named Bles, short for Blesilda, and she was a manic-depressive award-winning poet slash astrologer slash nurse slash social worker. She was a little out there, but I think she meant well. We started by helping and unpackaging things. I started pouring cups of water with Linda and Joe from...Encinal or something. It was long and we had tedious work. Beth and I were often separated, but it was a good day. The Arroyo Interact Club was there and some of them were awesome happy hildas, but some were idle ingrids and chatty cathys.

The day before that, Saturday, I was acommpanied by Beth to John's Oboe recital. He's was amazing. His sister is hot. The muffins were great. Everything was a bit surreal for us. Rawr.
Speaking of John, I got a message from him earlier on saying that he's leaving Friday.

FRIDAY! That's the 25th! He said he was leaving on the 18th of August, but I guess something came up. That's pretty sad, isn't it? I was finally getting somewhat attached to someone new and my summer dreams, to quote Sandy and Danny, have been "ripped at the seams" and there is nothing I can do. We had plans for his birthday, the 17th, and I was hoping to see him more before he left...doesn't that sound familar? I sure do know how to pick 'em because all the good boys are always temporary. Anyway, I'm going to see him tomorrow before he leaves the next day. We'll hang out and stuff with Jessica. I'm going to record them for youtube because it'll be their last oboe duet =/. Man this is tough.

I've often thought about the fact that I'm the only son and the heir of my family. It must be disappointing to the family line that I'm gay. You see it a lot on television: "I DID NOT RAISE A GAY SON!" But the thing is, you didn't raise a gay son, you raised a son that's gay. There is a world's difference right there. I'm going to have to find someone to produce my children. It's a problem both Allister and I face. He explained it to me, one day, that his parents want little Bernal grandchildren and I thought that was sweet of him to keep them in mind.

I really don't know where I'm going with this blog. I have the urge to draw and sketch right now, but I'm going to play sudoku instead.

Later days!
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